Amplifying Voices: Allies, Equality, and the Fight against Validation through Male Confirmation

If you are a female engineer (or any working woman), chances are you have experienced a common phenomenon that I refer to as "Validation Through Male Confirmation."

You know that moment, right after you express an idea, draw a conclusion, or propose a course of action, when someone in the meeting, often a male colleague, turns to another male colleague and seeks their opinion by saying, "Is that right, Bob?" or "What do you think, Frank?" Perhaps it doesn't happen in the meeting itself, but you later discover that your boss, colleague, or even subordinate has sought the validation of one of your male counterparts, typically older and of a different race, just to verify the legitimacy of what you said. It's as if your words carry less weight unless they are co-signed by a respected member of the community.

Now, if you are a young female engineer, you might dismiss such behavior as a result of your relative youth and inexperience. And you might be partially correct. However, I caution you, ladies, to remain vigilant against this form of validation through male confirmation, even in those cases. Over time, you can become desensitized to it, which can foster feelings of insecurity and cause you to doubt your own knowledge—a self-trust that is crucial for advancing through the ranks of expertise. I have personally encountered this situation more than once, with some instances being so overt that even other male colleagues in the room took notice and expressed their concerns to me afterward. Allow me to take a moment for a brief public service announcement to the gentlemen: if you observe such diminishing and disregarding treatment towards your female colleagues, don't merely comment on it privately by saying, "Hey, that was unfair how he treated you in that meeting." Instead, stand up for her during the meeting itself. Sadly, it is true that the oppressor tends to listen more intently to those from his own team. So, be a vocal ally in public, not just in private.

While I am still navigating this challenge myself, I have discovered one approach that can alleviate some of the frustrations associated with repeatedly having to prove myself and reiterate my work to both my management and colleagues. I call it "Bring Your Own Supportive Colleague" (BYOSC). When one of my colleagues noticed that I was experiencing validation through male confirmation in a meeting, and he happened to be the person they turned to for validation, we decided to turn this situation to my advantage. We agreed that whenever we were in a meeting, which occurred frequently since we collaborated closely, he would defer to me to lead the discussion. Then, when the inevitable validation-seeking moment arrived, he would simply amplify and support what I had said by saying, "I agree with her," or "What she said." It was a remarkable strategy. Later on, I discovered that other women in my office had been employing similar tactics with their own supportive colleagues. These allies are fully aware of the situation and, as great allies do, are willing to assist the cause. The crucial aspect is finding someone who recognizes your worth, acknowledges your capabilities, and commands respect within your company.

Undoubtedly, this solution is not perfect, nor is it a definitive resolution. Ideally, we all strive to reach a point where we don't need a male ally to echo our words and thoughts for them to be heard and respected. However, men tend to listen to and respect their male counterparts more readily than they do women. Moreover, women themselves (yes, women can also engage in validation through male confirmation) often demonstrate greater trust and regard for a man's words, particularly those of a white man. It could be due to implicit or explicit biases or simply entrenched racism and sexism. Validation through male confirmation is an unfortunate reality, and we must all strive to find the best ways to navigate it while staying true to ourselves. It is not a problem with a perfect or final solution, but rather a systemic issue deeply rooted in biases and inequalities. As we continue to work towards a more equitable and inclusive society, it is crucial to challenge these dynamics and dismantle the barriers that hinder the progress of women in the workplace.

In the pursuit of change, we need more than just individual strategies like the BYOSC approach. It calls for organizations to foster an environment that values and respects diverse voices and expertise. Companies should implement policies that promote equal opportunity, diverse representation in leadership positions, and initiatives aimed at combating unconscious bias. Training programs and workshops can be organized to raise awareness and educate employees about the importance of inclusivity and respectful communication.

Furthermore, men play a vital role in dismantling the validation through the male confirmation dynamic. They can actively support and amplify the voices of their female colleagues by using their privilege to create space for them to be heard and acknowledged. This includes advocating for women in meetings, ensuring credit is given where it's due, and actively challenging any biased behaviors or assumptions.

As women, it is essential to continue building networks and support systems, both within and outside our organizations. By fostering connections and sharing experiences, we can provide each other with the validation and affirmation that may be lacking in our professional environments. Together, we can empower one another and reinforce the notion that our expertise and contributions are valuable, regardless of gender or race.

In conclusion, "Validation Through Male Confirmation" is a frustrating and demoralizing experience that many women encounter in the workplace. It is important to recognize this issue, address it collectively, and work towards creating a more inclusive and equitable professional landscape. By challenging biases, supporting one another, and advocating for change, we can strive towards a future where every voice is heard and respected, irrespective of gender or background.